Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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