You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
