So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
