I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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