Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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