Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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