speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
