And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We left the knife in your bed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
