Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
