If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
