i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
