Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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