Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
