we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
