if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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