Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This toilet bowl is my home.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
