He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
