Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize