I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
