The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
