Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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