Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
