dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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