You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
