Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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