so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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