porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
