Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
