WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
the liver wants what the liver wants
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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