Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
