Your tits are I can't wait for
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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