Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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