My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
