I want to walk on stilts...naked
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize