the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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