I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize