I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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