Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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