I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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