They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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