i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
