The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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