Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
