I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
