so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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