guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We're too hungover to prance.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
