Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize