Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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