all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
sarcasm needs its own font
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
