Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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