I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
