Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
