You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize