Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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