Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
