I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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