last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
