I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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