Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
